I thought that my previous skin was too dark and dreary. So I changed.

Kung Fu Panda! Excellent show. But I thought of using the skin because it reminds me of someone. :) I think that person knows. I wont mention it here because I'm afraid he wont like it.

*No offense though. I said it looks like you because its cute. really.*

Keep thinking about him recently.

I'm beginning to listen to Christian songs again. I was scanning thru Jia Cheng's iTouch at Cell Group that day and came across all the songs I used to love. Like those from Hillsong, Delirious?, Newsboys. haha. I recalled the time that they came to CHC. I loved the services so much. I jumped up and down like a crazy person that time. With Isabelle, I think. Yeah.

So suddenly felt like seeing Michael. He grew so much in the cell in the year that I've not been there.

Hai, must wait until Aug then can see Xiufeng. I duno if Belle coming not. I hope so, though, I really miss them.

Tonight Chris has duty again =.= but thank God tomorrow is SAF day, meaning he can end a few hours before normal. I duno why I'm so lucky with regards to his army. Its because of me and of course his work that he fought so hard to get into Pes E. I know he was really thinking of me. I couldnt even spend 6 days without him the time he went to China for work. I was crying and begging him to come home on the first night already. I even thought of flying over. I zoned out and lay on the couch for that whole week and didnt go to office till he came home.

My mom even found me ridiculous. She kept saying that she could survive 2 years without my dad, why couldnt I for just a week.

So imagine if he'd gotten into Pes A, with 3 month stay-in and consequently weekday stay-in. I think I would have died waiting for him to come out lol.

Yes, I know its not healthy. But how am I supposed to change the way I miss him so much. Maybe its because I have too much time on my hands.

I'm thankful for headphones. Almost every night an argument breaks out between her and her. And its those kinda arguments that their voices just drill right into your brains and numb your heart and you just feel like pulling your arm off just to have something to throw at them.

Haha, remembered a joke. In the Friends sitcom that I normally watch, I remember that there was a lesbian couple, so one of the girls' ex-husband gave them hers and hers towels. Normally its HIS and hers but in that case there's no 'him' so . . . LOL LOL LOL! I laughed like crazy over that. Hehehe.

Ugh. Tomorrow going to watch Wanted. Chris wanted to watch. zzz. Guys show. I dont like those kinda shows... Very loud and bangy and hurty. The latter means people will probably get shot and I hate shows that portray physical pain. I'm a very compassionate person so I'll feel the pain too (sorta). HAHA. Nola nola. But well those scenes do affect me. Once I saw a murder scene on tv and I would remember it vividly in my mind for the next few nights.

But before that gonna watch Dont Mess With The Zohan. I heard its a dreadfully funny and lame show.

Sigh well. My 'only' reason for living is starting to wane. But God's more prominent now. Maybe my focus is starting to change.

Why must blogger change to Google account. It made signing in so hard.

Yesterday was a good day :) First went with Xav to eat at Charcoal. I had the chicken and it was nice. The visit was better than my first one. Then we went to walk to the new shopping centre at Boat Quay.

After that I went to meet Chris for the movie at Cine. We were supposed to meet 2.5 hours before the movie started. But! Xav and I left the shopping centre too late and plus we missed the bus stop lol.

Xav went to his friend's place, and Chris and I decided to use the PC-gaming at the 9th floor. He played his game and I played mine. I had a lot of fun. I guess that's because we were each enjoying what we want to do together.

But our PCs were facing the walkway, so when we started playing, there was a small crowd behind us looking at what we were playing. It made me feel uneasy haha and I kept making mistakes.

Well the movie was good. Get Smart. Funny and lame. But during the dinner I wasnt feeling very well cuz I caught a cold so I didnt really enjoy the movie. After the movie it was around 2am. I wanted to go home and sleep, but Chris had to meet Ms Jessie at Plaza Sing. Then she drove us, Mr Steve and Ms Jasmine home. It was a good day.

I thought that as time goes by I'll slowly begin to get used to him coming back on late nights. But it . . . . seems the opposite!!!!

I went for cell group meeting yesterday night. And well saw all of them. *No, no! Do not get emo!!*

Change Subject.

Going with Xav to Charcoal later on. After that, going to Cine to watch movie with Chris.. Get Smart. Movie's at 2335. Sianz. Was actually supposed to watch yesterday. BUT. The only available movie was at 0140. I said it was too late. Then Chris got pissed at me for being a party-pooper. Well hello! I want to watch movies not in the wee hours of the morning but something reasonable like 10 or 11pm! And that's already quite late. Sigh. Hate his work. Well not really his work. But his workaholic attitude.

I want to be normal. And I think I'm catching a cold..

OH well!

If only I could turn back time. There'd be so many things I'd do differently. Just off the top of the list, I wouldn't have played in Sec 3 and dropped to N(A) which resulted in a huge and irrivocable friendship strain. Then, I wouldnt let work overcome church and the cell group.

There're also things that are beyond my power that I'd also like to change.

I feel like I'm going nuts. Seriously nuts.


Chris just works and works. He comes home close to 1am every night. Sleeps at 2am, wakes up at 5am. His dad isnt giving any chances. Any tardies to camp and he's sent back home. I dont know what I would do then. It just drives me crazy. He refuses to come home early. Wants to make money.

He's a nutritionist. Always talks about health. No health means no wealth. And this afternoon over lunch he just told me that who cares about his health. He just wants to make money.

So what if he's a millionaire by 30 and gets to give me all the best things in life, and he has liver failure? (your liver rests between 11pm and 2am, so if you don't sleep during this time, it doesnt repair at all)

Its the work hard for 10 years, play for 50 years concept.

I'm going nuts with loneliness.

I want to be able to meet him for dinner. I want to be able to see him on weekends. To catch a movie at 7pm, not at 12am. He's going overboard. He's going to break down soon and that's when his heart will give in to pressure and stress. His heart is beginning to give problems. When it fails, no amount of health products can cure him then.


I have so many regrets. If only I didnt leave church and leave God. Things would be so different now. I wouldnt make myself so unhappy by tying myself to Chris.

Gah. I hate it when I get emotional because of him. I guess I just need distractions from him in order to live a better life.

I'm reaaaaaally beginning to dislike staying at home in the same room with the two other 'people' being all teh and cutesy with each other with its so immoral!! Sigh. They're moving soon and I CAN'T WAIT!

Well Saturday night I'm going with Xav to that restaurant of Dehua's school, Charcoal. But he hasnt replied me since yesterday! I hope he's not gonna pang seh me. haha! Nah, he won't :)

I'm still hung up on that wedding. Why, why, oh, why, do girls get this longing feeling for meeting the right guy and getting married . . . . And why are majority of the guys so afraid of commitment -.- a little mismatch there. And there are more girls than guys in the world.

I asked Chris to marry me that night lol. He was in camp (had duty) and was doing other stuff while talking to me. Specifically after I 'proposed' to him, he said 'shit!'. But no, I wasnt rejected. He made a mistake at whatever he was doing. I still felt dejected though.

Michael's new house is 'up'. Saw those pictures, really nice. His room's small though. haha. I want to see Ken's Japan-themed room. So I'm going to his place tomorrow night for cell. Get to see them and get to see the house too. I hope I can stay longer after that.

Kind of beginning to talk to God at night. Mainly its because I cant sleep. Terrible insomnia. -yawnz. Slept at 5am last night. Got two rather beautiful eye bags. But anyway. Started to think think think. Wondered how I drifted form church, from the cell group, from God. Thought back on what really happened. And yeah, I'm ashamed to admit that I got a little emo last night.

Recently read Boy Meets Girl by Joshua Harris again. Its the 'sequel', so called, of the book I Kissed Dating Goodbye. And wow, his relationship really spooked me. I got kinda scared. Before he even told the girl he liked her, he sought permission from her dad first. And before he proposed, they asked 5 different couples if they are ready for marriage.

I doubt I can do all those things . . . I'm really afraid of commitment for these kind of things. And I'm getting the feeling that ... there's someone else out there. That's when I stopped talking to God and got up to do other things. But the same question's been in my head ever since.

What if Chris isn't the one God planned out for me? Am I strong enough to do what God wants, when I've been away from Him so long?

I seriously hope things don't change. I doubt I can handle it.

I just came back from my cousin's wedding. Like I needed another reason to dislike weddings.

I was practically imagining myself in the bride's place (with my own groom of course) and my parents there. SIGH~

Their suite was so nice. I want!!!

And now my com's causing problem again.

I'm depressed.

There's something wrong with my computer again. Darn.

I'm starting to dislike HP products.

Today, I was lying on my mum's bed reading comics and then wishing that Chris would make some time to go with me to Dehua's restaurant. And then at around 6pm, he called asking if I wanted to go!!! And I thought he was gonna end work at the wee hours in the morning.

I waited for him to come home and change, and after that we went to Charcoal, the restaurant. The ambiance is great! Food was good too. Xav, when we go there on Saturday evening, order the chicken. Its nicer than the salmon.

Well it was really great. High-class and everything. I'm so glad he took time off to bring me there :) :)

Tomorrow's my cousin's wedding. I hate going to weddings. They make me go green with envy. It's my 3rd time attending wedding so far. The first was with my ex-cell group leader of FCBC, then was my company leaders'. The latter was so fantastic. They're like near millionaires so the hall was great, the food was great. I hit Chris' lap everytime there was something romantic like the slideshow, the bride's dress, etc. I think he got fed up with me.

Anyway he wont be coming with me for the wedding. He has duty and in the next morning he'll go straight for some sort of outing. HAIZ. I hate his outings. Thats because I cant go because I dont have the position. BIG DEAL.

I cant wait for next Saturday! I'm going to Dehua's restaurant for dinner with Xavior. I havent seen him for so long. Cant wait.

I realised that anyone close to me are all guys.

Chris couldnt go to the restaurant with me. He didnt even try to make a few hours available for me. The more freedom I give him, the more he takes advantage of it.

MEN.

Sigh. I guess he just wants to get his condo, car, credit card and cash asap. Am I being a little too unsupportive of what he wants? But I guess he only wants one thing. And it has to be that one thing I find it hard to give!! Conditional love, unconditional love. Is it supposed to be this hard.

But well. I guess his good points still trump his bad. He can be great at times.

Groan. Another day.

I've a few options for my school. But they're all names I've never really heard of. But anyway I liked the option of going to this school called Learning Capital School of Higher Edu. They're 2 times a week, 3-hr sessions for 10 months to my Dip. Sounds good.

-Shrugs.

Michael! If you're out there at all, I've a proposition. DEHUA is doing some sort of project of Shatec, and a restaurant is booked for his team. For 3 days (Thursday, Friday, Saturday) from 6pm-9pm, it will be open for people to dine there. This week and the next.

Its at $28 a head (I dont know about the arms, legs and body) so I was wondering if you'd like to go with me for some support :)

Also, since its on Saturday, maybe you can rally W229-ians and we can all go together. More people the better :) Maybe I'll bring it up to Alvin or something. But I guess you have better chance. I'll try though. Anyway let me know if you can make it! Really hope you can! (no obligations)

Gosh I'm feeling so out of it! I wonder if anyone misses me =p

I'm on the verge of going insane with nothing to do everyday. Does anyone know how to 'unattach' yourself from someone? How to avoid thinking of them until you feel like popping sleeping pills just so time will pass faster?

Anyway, I'm probably going to school soon. My parents picked out one for me but I cant remember then name. And, I was surfing the web and was looking for ways online that could help me not be empty. There was a way with God and a way without God. I chose the first one first.

I started to wonder when my life started to make a turn for the worse. When my life started to phase everyone close to me out, and made it revolve around only one person. And I know its not worth it..

I had choices. And I chose all the wrong ones. I started to phase out people I knew deep inside I couldnt do without. Sure, I'm happy sometimes but most of the time I just start wallowing in loneliness and unhappiness.

A few months ago I realised that God's disappearance in my life was becoming heavier, and I just relied on Chris to fill that void. Which was impossible. And now I'm paying for the wrong choices I've made.

I can't be living my life for Chris. I cant make him the sole purpose of my existence.

I'm sick of being alone.


Weida, Yongsing, Daphne, Isabelle, Xiufeng, Jonathan, Sherlyn, I wish I could see them again.

My latest crazy is Stephenie Meyer. Well, not her, but her books. She writes the Twilight series. I so happened to pick it up while waiting for Michael to fix my computer, and it was so captivating that I read the entire book in that day. But well, no one believed me -.-

So I found out that the first book was going to launch the movie in December. The story's basically about this "family" of vampires who dont feed on humans, but animals. So they're relatively safe to be around. Then this girl falls in love with one of them and finds out their secret.

The family accepts her as a friend, but is a mistake when suddenly a group of 'savage' (real) vampires comes across them and the most vicious one takes interest in having her for dinner. So the family flees with her and tries to ward off the vampire. The girl is alone with the vampire in the end so if you want to know what happens go see the movie.

But I am disappointed! In the book, the family of vampires is illustrated as impossibly beautiful and pale people. I saw the cast, and I'm starting to doubt in my taste.



Here is the picture of the cast. They're all, except the girl in the brown sweater, are all supposed to be stunningly, impossibly beautiful, even the guys. But um. Really?

I'm looking forward to the movie though.